Jenni's blog: Tackling consent at home and at school
Dear fellow parents,
Gender equity and the seemingly difficult topic of consent has consumed the media and the conversations at home over the past few weeks.
And I want to start a conversation about what we are doing at home to teach our kids about consent and gender equity, because the first time our kids hear about this shouldn’t be in a health & PE lesson.
I’m happy to put myself out there and go first, letting you know what I am doing with my three boys, keeping in mind I am not an expert and I’m just doing my best, just as you all are too. Please join feel free to join in this conversation over on our facebook page, because I firmly believe this is something we should talking about from a parent perspective.
At my home, we play a hypothetical game over the dinner table. It comes with a warning that the expectation is that it will be awkward, but there are no wrong answers, I want them to think and work things out for themselves so all debate is welcome.
Then I pose my three teenage boys an age-appropriate hypothetical but challenging situation.
Things like…“What would do you think you would be like drunk with your inhibitions dimmed and your confidence heightened?”
“What would you do if you were at a party and a female friend was falling down drunk and obviously not wearing underwear?”
“What would you do if you were in the middle of getting frisky and your partner stopped responding, what do you think that means?”
And my personal favourite… “What is more important, your biological urges or your partners safety?”
My husband and I then listen and facilitate the discussion and we intersperse the discussion with examples of our own lived experiences and the times we made mistakes or when we did the wrong things.
Only just very recently my sons have connected the dots of behaviours they have witnessed from me (checking the car before we get in, taking the long way because it’s lit or running to get to the car) with the fact that I can feel unsafe and that is because of my gender.
That conversation lead to a brilliant discussion about the things their father does to make women feel safe in the presence of a 6ft+ male. And that it takes nothing away from him but can reassure women in his presence that they are safe.
What tactics are you using to teach your kids about consent?
If you are feeling ill prepared or feel you don’t know enough to tackle these definitely awkward but necessary conversation with your kids, here are some links and articles that might help. I’m a big fan of leaving articles/pages open on the computer screen and then going back later and asking what they thought of it. It slightly lowers the awkwardness levels!
https://teachingsexualhealth.ca/parents/information-by-topic/understanding-consent/
https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/consent-at-every-age#toddlers-and-early-elementary
https://au.reachout.com/articles/5-things-you-need-to-know-about-sexual-consent
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3nhM9UlJjc&t=76s
https://michellemitchell.org/how-to-help-our-girls-set-and-respect-healthy-boundaries/
https://yourteenmag.com/family-life/communication/how-to-teach-consent-to-boys-without-shaming-them
There has been a barrage of information, comment and blame thrown around in response to this topic. We are all questioning “Who is responsible?” I read one Principal firmly blaming parents for allowing parties (kids are going to party and push boundaries and we know they are resourceful so if it’s not at your place it will be at the park down the road!). I have been horrified by the amount of Victim Blaming (she shouldn’t have been drunk anyway!) I have been blown away with the lack of understanding around the embedded societal and cultural implications of this issues.
The ONLY way this issue can be solved is if EVERYBODY in the community takes responsibility from the highest echelons of federal government to the school yards and our own family homes. Teaching the younger generations about consent needs to be embedded, modelled and practiced everywhere.
While we are here having uncomfortable conversation let’s talk about the role our schools play in teaching our kids culture and social standards. Sometimes we may feel powerless or sidelined in these discussions, but the message for parents is exactly the same for our kids.
“The behaviour you walk past is the behaviour you condone.”
So, if you have concerns about your school culture let’s talk about ways you can address it effectively. Here are a few suggestions to kick off this conversation.
- Call your P&F reps and say you would like it added to the agenda.
- Approach the Principal and say you would like to have a cohesive community conversation about this.
- Invite all of the school community to a community meeting.
Let’s get this out in the open. The most important aspect of this approach is insisting on a ‘calling in’ approach. (We are calling all of our parents, teachers, students and school leaders IN to listen and learn about the community’s concerns.)
This is in contrast to ‘calling out’ culture, which we are seeing in many of our institutions right now. This method casts blame and allows little room for education, discussion, debate or the opportunity to gain a greater understanding of the complexities of the issues. And make no mistake this issue is exceptionally complex, with many actors having considerable influence over the perceptions of our young people over many years of development and growing up.
There is no quick fix to changing a culture, but breaking down the issues to be discussed is a great way of moving forward. Perhaps call your school community in to have a discussion about how parents approach house parties. You may find other parents feel pressured to do things and you may find the entire parent community feels this way and agreement in a different way to proceed is easy. Other topics to consider could be the sporting culture of the school, risky behaviours through a health promotion lens or how gender equity of situated at school.
If we aim for a mind-opening session and discussion and try to gain a consensus and supported solution from your parent body, perhaps we can make some progress. Keep in mind that part of the ‘calling in’ process means there isn’t a forgone conclusion before the meeting and the consensus is a result of the discussion produced AT the meeting. Every school is unique and your aim should include connecting to the reasons why you choose the school in the first place.
My best piece of advice is if you have witnessed poor behaviour or problematic culture now is the best time to draw attention to it. Often as parents we feel reluctant to raise difficult issues at school, but if we are to help this generation realise gender equity and really understand consent as something that applies to us all, in real life situations. These are conversations we need to be having openly and families and schools need to work together.
From really insignificant things, big things can grow. So if you witness seemingly trivial behaviours like preferential treatment of athletes, ask the question of school leadership. Ask is this a practice we want to support? Because if one positive has come out of the distressing and challenging events of recent weeks it is that this could be a real opportunity to help change things and as parents we can help make it happen.